Sometimes, we’re faced with the concept of mortality.
Sometimes we’re confronted with the mortality of the ones that we love.
I used to be afraid of emotion – I felt that emotion meant weakness, and expressing myself or allowing myself to be deeply moved by happy events, or sad events was a sign of a weak mind.
And something I did not want more than any of the other things that I did not want was a weak mind. I had prided myself on being an “intellectual” of sorts. Knowing I had brains, and being told that by a few professors who I considered mentors, made it acceptable for me to continue to ignore my emotions. I still felt that I had to be stoic in order to keep my intellect. What an erroneous way of life, truly. I hid from emotions for many years. I buried them, or just ignored them, moved on, and eventually they either went away or I slowly, in tiny controlled pockets, began to understand what they actually meant.
What this did to me was catastrophic. Because how can one be happy, content and lead a fulfilled life is one doesn’t actually let happiness and contentment into their hearts? Because while my goal was always to just dampen the sad or bad, it eventually leaked into happiness and good.
One day, not long after my grandfather died two years ago, I was driving past the cemetery near our apartment. The cemetery is very old, with some graves dating back before the civil war. It always feels ethereal to me there, the colors are always more vivid, and the sunshine is always a little different around it. It’s surrounded by an old rock wall and old houses. There are beautiful old trees scattered throughout the cemetery. As I was passing it, a funeral procession was entering. And there was something about that moment, and I finally, after years, felt tears fall down my face. I was driving home, and I just lost my composure and had to slow down for a moment.
I wish I knew exactly what changed for me in that moment. But in that moment, I began to let emotions past the barrier on which I had worked so hard.
Life has been different for me since then. I began to understand that emotions are just information, and it’s all in how I process that information that determines whether or not the mind is weak. I began learning how to utilize my “compartmentalization” skills to my advantage. I learned how to process the information my emotions were supplying me slowly and in a controlled manner.
Now that I accept emotion instead of stifle it, I actually feel things. And I’m thankful. I can’t imagine going through losing a baby like we did last summer and not actually be able to feel the things that I felt. I can’t imagine the joys of this pregnancy without actually allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling.
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