On babies

by michelle on December 12, 2009 · 2 comments

Just a moment ago, my 3-month-old nephew was asleep laid across my chest.  He is so snuggly and adorable.  And all I can think about is how much I can’t wait until I’m snuggling with my own baby.

Sigh

Coming to terms with losing a baby has been the absolute hardest thing that I’ve ever done, and now it just feels like the worst nightmare that I ever had. The rush of joy that I had for those few short weeks of my pregnancy brings tears to my eyes, and then I’m back down to reality, and the hard crash of overwhelming sadness after hearing the baby was gone.

The first few weeks after, all I could think about was being pregnant again.  Several negative pregnancy tests later, and I’m even further into sadness.  But it doesn’t consume every waking thought anymore, just most of them.

I’m learning to come to terms with our loss, and just accepting that these are the cards that we’ve been dealt.  We’ve been dealt shitty ones over the years, probably more crappy ones than any couple should have to endure together.  And this year has just been shit-tastic.  But, I just keep telling myself that it makes us stronger as a couple, and I know that we can handle anything the universe sends our way.

And one day, we’ll make a baby.  I hope.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

J. December 12, 2009 at 7:04 pm

I’m glad it’s getting better. It’s a strange place to be, still sad, but past grieving. I hit my ex-due-date and that was hard, but I got through. Do you remember back when the whole baby-making thing seemed so easy and carefree? I so wish I could go back there.

Elizabeth December 13, 2009 at 1:09 pm

I hear ya, too well. Miscarriages suck, and it really seems like the world is ending during them. I hope your next pregnancy comes soon, and sticks healthily!

The anxiety about it all sure isn’t fun, though.

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