Negative voices

by michelle on March 29, 2013 · 3 comments

A couple of months ago, I made the decision to go back to school. I want to go to school to be a librarian, so there was my decision. I figured I could hopefully finish an online program before Jonas starts kindergarten. The plan was always for me to go back to work – and that’s what I want to do. But I don’t want to go back to customer service or retail. I just don’t know that I could handle that and a kid.

Well, since I made the decision, I started researching programs,and found a few that I think would be the best options for me at this point in my life. I made efforts to contact old professors, and to get transcripts sent.

But then suddenly, my negative voices started again – and I couldn’t shake them. A few years ago, when I was a new graduate, and was still working for minimum wage at a daycare, I applied for every single job that I thought I could do or even get. All I received was rejection after rejection. I tried to get in as an administrative assistant, a bank teller (it paid double than the daycare!), an assistant in a local museum’s kids education department, phone-answerer, paper-filer. I could go on, but I won’t. I wrote seemingly millions of cover letters and resumes, filled out a crazy amount of online applications, went on a stupid amount of interviews, and yet, I was still working at a daycare. I loved the kids, but the work environment wasn’t for me. And let’s not talk about how a woman in Chris’s family set me up on an interview with someone, and then when I went in for the interview, I was told I was wasting her time and she’d never heard of me, and no one had contacted her about any kind of meeting, and I had no business being there.

That rejection really hit me hard. I kind of lost a lot of hope in my professional life, and lost even more confidence in myself. And thus, I worked at Starbucks for 5 years.

Anyway. The thought of applying to grad schools, taking the GRE, and spending all of that time and money to do this, was making me sick. The negative voices sort of took over, thinking about all that rejection. And so here I am. my first application will be finished this weekend, and then I schedule the GRE to apply for other programs.

But those voices. I need to banish those voices. They are taking over.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Aubrey March 30, 2013 at 3:45 am

I understand your struggles so deeply that I feel like these thoughts must have been plucked from my own head.

You are a very capable and intelligent woman. It’s so easy to let nasty people steamroll you into feeling crappy about yourself. At the end of the day, it’s best to remember that you make a huge difference in the lives of at *least* two people, and even if those crappy folks out there give you ‘tude, you are important to your men at home.

Banish those voices, woman! You have every necessary ability to become what you want to be. Just take the plunge!

holly March 30, 2013 at 9:51 am

I cannot tell you to ignore the voices because that would make me a hypocrite.
I will just say that your love of learning made me think that I could possible love learning, too.
You inspired me to go back to school.

I know you’re aware of this, but your awful job-hunting experience made you a part of a nationwide crisis; it wasn’t personal. So just put that all behind you and follow your heart.

I believe in you!

courtney March 31, 2013 at 1:10 pm

Congratulations on making the decision to go back to school! This sounds like a great job and fit for you. My husband constantly deals with the “negative voices” – someone once told him a silly trick that sometimes helps: saying (actually out loud, even though it feels ridiculous) “Okay, I hear you. And now I’m choosing to ignore you.” They’re not going away, but you can make a decision to tune them out.

Can’t wait to hear more about your graduate work and how you balance it with raising Jonas! Good luck with that pesky GRE 🙂

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