Today was the last day of Jonas’s first year of preschool. I realize that it was just a little two day a week program, but, I say this like all parents, time is going so fast.

When he was a tiny baby, I felt like time stood still. And when people said, “it goes by so fast!”, I sort of just laughed. I know all of this has been said by every other blogger who happens to also be a parent, but he is 33 months old. How is he 33 years old? How is he old enough for gymnastics and swim lessons? How is he finished with a whole year of preschool? How is he wise cracking and class-clowning?

It really does feel like time stood still in his infancy phase – I don’t remember a lot about that time period. I remember his squishy adorable cheeks, and lots of cuddles. But it’s mostly a blur because he was always eating, and never sleeping, and I was so lost. Anyway. Once things got a little better for all of us, things have sped up so much and I just don’t even know.

He is truly the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I worry constantly about if I’m ruining him, or if I could do more for him. I don’t stress him learning anything – I just stress reading and talking and learning things as we go. But should I be sitting him down and making him count as high as he can? Should he be learning sight words? What about maps? I just choose not to stress or fight with him, because there’s plenty of time down the road for that, right? He won’t sit still for coloring or art, for me or at school. When should I start stressing that he do that? What if I’m holding him back in some way?

Anyway. I thought I had more to say, but here I am trying to get words out and I can’t.

1. Clinique Super City Block Sheer – This product was discontinued for awhile, and my friend Alex and I cried a little. She introduced me to this product years ago, and it was perfect. It’s basically just a nice face sunscreen. It’s slightly tinted and evens out my skin-tone, like a tinted moisturizer. But it’s really light and helps absorb oil, and it’s physical sunscreen! I don’t think chemical sunscreens are evil, necessarily. But I know that some make my skin freak out and get red and scaly dry patches, so I tend to stay away from them because I haven’t done exhaustive research on which ones cause it – though I know that Octinoxate is the big one that irritates my skin. Anyway. This is perfect for summer.
2. Revlon Lip Butters – I haven’t tried all of these, of course, but favorite are Strawberry Shortcake and this new shade for summer Watermelon. These are foolproof and moisturizing and you can just slap them on and forget about them.
3. Cream eyeshadow products are a must for me. My favorites are pinkish champagne type colors like MAC Bare Study and Benefit’s Birthday Suit and RSVP. Maybelline’s version of these, the Color Tattoo ones really do stay on your eyes forever and are much more on the affordable end. I have Bad to the Bronze and Audacious Asphalt. Most cream shadow formulas are long wearing, and I have oily lids, and these don’t crease on my eyelids even without a bit of powder eyeshadow on top.
4. This brings me to my favorite eyeshadow of all time. I have purchased this three times, and this is crazy to me because the pan is huge for an eyeshadow. Stila’s Kitten eyeshadow makes me super duper happy forever.
5. For skincare products, I think everyone should either consult with Paula at beautypedia, or just buy Paula’s Choice products. Specific products that are amazing for my skin are Resist BHA 9 serum (amazing for breakouts, bumps, large pores, wrinkles), and either the Resist Ultralight Antioxidant Serum or The Skin Balancing Antioxidant serum. Bonus is that the antioxidant serums double as eye creams if you don’t want an extra step in your routine. And Paula’s Choice products are cruelty free! Yay! I try to keep most of my products cruelty free, but that doesn’t always work out.

I saw someone mention an avocado “alfredo” sauce on twitter a while ago, and the idea stuck with me. I did a search one day when I had a ripe avocado on hand, and the first google hit was from a big favorite, Oh She Glows. I’ve tried a few recipes from there and have enjoyed them all. It was a no brainer to try the 15 minute creamy avocado pasta sauce recipe.

As is usual for me, I modified the recipe because of what I had on hand, and what I know my tastes to be. I found that either my lemons were dry or who knows, but I had a hard time blending the sauce together with the 2 tbsp of olive oil and lemon juice in the original recipe. So I added extra lemon juice to help blend the sauce.

Avocado Pasta Sauce

• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 good sized garlic clove
• Juice of half a lemon (plus a little more, just until the sauce came together)
• tsp salt
• one ripe avocado.
• Black pepper

Blend olive oil, garlic, and lemon juice until smooth, then blend in the avocado and salt. Pour over hot pasta and stir to combine, and add as much black pepper as you want. So yummy. It’s not alfredo, but I love creamy sauces, and Chris doesn’t, so this is an easy way for me to get that creamy pasta sauce without all the dairy of actual alfredo sauce. It really did satisfy that creamy pasta craving.

Also, this is toddler approved! He ate a bowl for lunch one day this week!

Fortuna favet fortibus – an old Latin saying that means “fortune favors the brave”.

I’ve done two very crazy, and probably brave things, this week.

I wrote about one already, applying to graduate school for a Masters in Library Science. The second is probably even more outside my comfort zone.

I registered and paid for a 5k – I’m running with some friends in the Birmingham Color Run. I’m only SLIGHTLY nervous.

The run is on Labor day, so I have plenty of time to train. But this is so far outside my comfort zone I don’t even know who I am anymore.

A couple of months ago, I made the decision to go back to school. I want to go to school to be a librarian, so there was my decision. I figured I could hopefully finish an online program before Jonas starts kindergarten. The plan was always for me to go back to work – and that’s what I want to do. But I don’t want to go back to customer service or retail. I just don’t know that I could handle that and a kid.

Well, since I made the decision, I started researching programs,and found a few that I think would be the best options for me at this point in my life. I made efforts to contact old professors, and to get transcripts sent.

But then suddenly, my negative voices started again – and I couldn’t shake them. A few years ago, when I was a new graduate, and was still working for minimum wage at a daycare, I applied for every single job that I thought I could do or even get. All I received was rejection after rejection. I tried to get in as an administrative assistant, a bank teller (it paid double than the daycare!), an assistant in a local museum’s kids education department, phone-answerer, paper-filer. I could go on, but I won’t. I wrote seemingly millions of cover letters and resumes, filled out a crazy amount of online applications, went on a stupid amount of interviews, and yet, I was still working at a daycare. I loved the kids, but the work environment wasn’t for me. And let’s not talk about how a woman in Chris’s family set me up on an interview with someone, and then when I went in for the interview, I was told I was wasting her time and she’d never heard of me, and no one had contacted her about any kind of meeting, and I had no business being there.

That rejection really hit me hard. I kind of lost a lot of hope in my professional life, and lost even more confidence in myself. And thus, I worked at Starbucks for 5 years.

Anyway. The thought of applying to grad schools, taking the GRE, and spending all of that time and money to do this, was making me sick. The negative voices sort of took over, thinking about all that rejection. And so here I am. my first application will be finished this weekend, and then I schedule the GRE to apply for other programs.

But those voices. I need to banish those voices. They are taking over.

1. I do not see it necessary to wear matching socks, ever.

2. I used to love vegetables and fruit, but since having Jonas, they’re gross to me. I eat them anyway.

3. This post about changing your last name when you’re married has me thinking, and I loved reading all the comments.

4. I have wayyyyy to many things going on around in my head right now. Among them are GREs and grad school and that ever present “What am I going to do with the rest of my life?” question.

5.  Between my kid and my cat and my husband, some days all I can think is “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!” Do you have issues with personal space? I apparently need a LOT.

I read this post on Vanderbilt Wife earlier this week about how judgey and unsupportive comments on the internet seem to be, especially regarding parenting. And it resonated.

It really does seem to me that the internet has conflated our own opinions of our selves. We are suddenly, because we’ve read tons of blogs by child psyhchologists, or nutritionists, or ” parenting experts”, experts our selves on all subjects, ranging from the mundane (goldfish crackers are the devil!) to more serious subjects (vaccinations are the devil!).

I belong to a mom’s group on facebook, started by a woman whom I’ve known on the internet for many years. The group has many women who I’ve known, in various degrees of familiarity, through various internet forums for almost a decade now. It also has plenty of other women whom I’m just starting to get to know through the group. Some I think have great insight and advice on many of the questions asked in the group. Some, on the other hand, are so quick to discount what you’re saying or completely derail the conversation with ridiculous comments.

For example, I asked awhile back about families who felt complete with only one child because that’s how we’re starting to feel. I asked what their reasoning process was, and why they felt that way because I’m working through my own feelings on this subject and I wanted to hear other’s perspectives to see if they resonated with how I was feeling. I had one or two helpful comments of “If it feels right, it probably is.” and “We didn’t feel complete with one, but did with two. So if you feel like your family is complete now, you’re doing the right thing for your family.” But the comments section quickly took off with “I would NEVER just have one child! How lonely and spoiled he will be if he doesn’t have a sibling.” Basically, it spiraled quickly into “OMG, one child is NOT OK. You’re ruining your little boy by not adding to your family.” I’m paraphrasing 30 or so comments here. But they all boiled down to that sentiment, and it was truly frustrating.

I’ve seen vitriol about vaccinations, and organic food, and circumcision, and oh my holy hell you’d better not turn your car seat around until that child 8, FTLOG. Last week, someone asked a question about formula feeding, and someone wrote “I never fed my children that formula, so I have no idea what to tell you. ”. I kid you not. With the smiley face and everything. It was so smug, and righteous I almost exploded a comment back to that person how completely useless and unhelpful she was being. Anyway. Those types of comments pop up frequently in that mom’s group (which is generally helpful! Ask a question and get several helpful answers from rationally thinking and supportive moms from all over!) and all over Facebook.

I see situations like Vanderbilt Wife described frequently. Thankfully, my twitter feed is devoid of that useless crap. But it makes me wonder about adding my opinion in most online situations. Should I just leave my opinion at the virtual door in all cases? What if what I have to add to the conversation is something I find helpful, but that the person asking will find completely counter to what they need? I find myself asking these questions regularly, and I think that this line of thinking keeps me from posting most of the time.

I find that when I think I have something to say, I find that someone else has already said it. Does that mean that I shouldn’t write about it? Probably not, but somehow my thought processes lead me back to the conclusion that perhaps my point of view doesn’t need to be added. But, hell, it’s my blog!

I’ve had a post started for quite a while about why I haven’t written much lately – at first I just thought I lost my voice, and I guess that I did, but maybe not for the reasons that I thought I had. I think maybe I’m just concerned that what I have to add to the internet isn’t actually helpful or worthwhile to anyway. But honestly, that’s not why I started blogging in the first place, so why am I so concerned about that now? I’m not so sure.

What I am sure is that the internet has definitely given us a “grandiose” complex of sorts. That, though the pen (keyboard) actually IS mightier than the sword, perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to wield that power. Perhaps with great power comes with great responsibility, and that responsibility isn’t to preach your brand of crazy on Facebook and cut down others (I find this is much more true in women’s circles, sadly), but that responsibility is to be kind to others and build them up, regardless of how your feelings differ.

In order to try to force myself to write, and also because I haven’t done one of these in a long time, (and also because of the CDP swap!), here’s a random list of “getting to know me” questions.

• Who was your favorite celebrity as a child? This is funny. Our TV time was seriously limited, and I don’t think I understood what a celebrity was until I was 13 years old or so. At that point, I was probably obsessed with Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones.
• What type of pets do you have? I have one cat. Her name is Nettles. She’s 10 years old, and very cat-like.
• What is your favorite color? I think I’m having an aqua phase.
• What is most memorable about your high school years? MOST memorable is the feeling that I didn’t fit anywhere. (Emo, much? Sorry.) But also that I met Chris.
• What word describes you best? Dreamer, probably.
• What is your greatest accomplishment? My college degree, I think.
• What drives you every day? My son.
• What is your favorite food? Bread and baked goods.
• Where do you want to retire? I want to live in an Airstream and see it all when I retire.
• What is your business goal this year? To make some income every month from my etsy shop.
• Where do you like to vacation? My go-to relaxation has always been the beach. But I’m learning that I’d rather go and see things as I get older.
• Who do you admire? I admire anyone who is happy.
• If you were invisible, where would you go? I don’t know that I’d go anywhere that I wouldn’t go when visible.
• What traits in others are you attracted to? Honesty, humor, intelligence.
• What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?
• How do you want to be remembered? As a good and loving person.
• What would you do with a million dollars? I’d pay off our house, donate some to charity, go tour Europe, open my own coffee shop, then put the rest away for Jonas’s education/future.
• If you were on an island, who would you want to be with? Why? I would want to be on the island with Chris and Jonas, because they’re the loves of my life.
• You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it about? It’s about how it’s totally fine to not know who the hell you are in High School, and how it’s really going to be FINE if you graduate without knowing what you’re going to major in, or even if you’re going to college. Really. I promise. It will be FINE.

I made a TON of cookies this week, and all the recipes came from the internet. Every single one.

Yum.

I really like these Mexican Hot Chocolate cookies from Martha Stewart.

This is my all-time favorite sugar cookie cutout recipe from I am Momma – Hear Me Roar.

This cookie recipe for m&ms cookies is delicious. It quickly became Chris’s favorite cookie recipe, and then I upped the ante and subbed Reece’s Pieces for the m&ms.

These cookies are rich and sweet, but they’re so cute. I love these cake batter sugar cookies from Sally’s Baking Addiction.

So, who wants to come over for some cookies? I have a LOT.

I spent an entire day this week baking.

I made a LOT of cookies. Sugar cookie cut outs. Gingerbread. Chocolate Chip with mini m&ms. Mexican Hot Chocolate Cookies.

Yum.

My favorite cookie around Christmas is gingerbread. And a few years ago I found the most amazing gingerbread recipe ever and it just so happens to be vegan. Yep. A delicious, crowd-pleasing gingerbread that uses no dairy or eggs. I found the recipe at The Post Punk Kitchen, which is the awesome blog of the famous vegan cookbook writer, Isa Chandra Moskowitz. I love her recipes so much.

Pretty standard.

Doesn't this just say "holidays" to you?

Start by beating the canola oil and sugar for 3 minutes. While that’s beating, add all of your dry ingredients together into a medium bowl. When the three minutes are up, add your favorite milk substitute, and molasses.

Mmmmm... molasses.

Then slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet until combined. Form into a dish, wrap in plastic wrap and chill for about an hour, or up to 3 days.

When ready to make the cookies, preheat the oven to 350. Roll out the dough to about 1/4 inch thickness, and cut out. I prefer to use Star Wars cutouts.

Use the force!

Bake on parchment paper for about 8 minutes. Yum.

When gingerbread you are, look this good you will not.

Vegan Gingerbread Cutout Cookies

1/3 cup canola oil
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1/4 cup plain soymilk

2 cups whole wheat pastry flour or all-purpose flour (or a mix of both)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

spice blend:
1/2 teaspoon each ground nutmeg, cloves and cinnamon
1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger

Combine oil and sugar and mix for 3 minutes. In separate bowl, combine all dry ingredients. Then add the milk substitute and molasses. Then slowly add the dry ingredients to form a stiff dough. Form into a disk, wrap in plastic wrap, and chill for an hour, or up to 3 days.

When you’re ready to bake, preheat your oven to 350. Roll out the dough to 1/4 inch thickness, cut out your shapes, and then bake on parchment paper for 8 minutes. Cool for 2 minutes on pan, then transfer to a cooling rack.